A Very Butters Diary
by PrincessPenelliotTheBrave
Summary: Butters keeps a diary about his experiences at Camp Half Blood after he discovers that he and other children from the town of South Park are demigods. Language warning: occasional swearing.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary,

It's me again, Butters!

Boy did I have an interesting day. Me and Eric were just out playing hobos when we heard something in the forest. I tell you, that forest has got some strange things in it. I told Eric that we should probably go home because it could be some pedophile come to take pictures of our wieners, but he told me that if I didn't go in then that made me a pussy and, well, I didn't want to be a pussy because then my parents would ground me.

But guess what! I found out my parents aren't actually my real parents so they can't ground me anyways! Well, my mom still is my real mom, but not my dad. A talking goat person told me so. He was the one who was making the noise in the forest. At first I thought he was a hairy old pedophile just like I had said, but he told us that we were actually the children of real actual gods and that we weren't safe in South Park anymore because we're almost eleven now and monsters would come after us soon. Then he made us wait in a bus for a very long time. Eric said we should leave because he was probably just going to sell us into slavery or harvest our organs or something, but he locked the doors. Eric was almost about to break through the glass when the goat person came back with more kids from our class. Stan and Kenny and Wendy and Jimmy and Token and Clyde and a whole bunch of people were told to get on the bus with us to go to a camp. Apparently their parents were gods too! That makes us all like Jesus, except we didn't die on the cross yet. Eric says Kyle will probably kill all of us because he's a dirty Jew, but Kyle says Eric is just an asshole and I should stop hanging out with him, but then Eric said that Kyle is jealous of our friendship because Stan keeps hanging out with Wendy instead of him.

Eric _is_ a bit mean sometimes though, like that time he tricked me into being locked in the bathroom 20 minutes ago and I still haven't gotten out yet. But he couldn't help it because his dad is actually Ares, the god of war, so he just does stuff like that sometimes. It's like a disability he said and I have to make sure I don't get mad at him for that because otherwise I would be an asshole for discriminating against him, and I'm not an asshole, no sir. Even though I'm stuck in this bathroom I've been having a real good time making pictures out of toilet water.

And earlier I got to ride on a flying bus which was really fun until we almost crashed and died. And I found out who my real dad was! He's Poseidon, the god of earthquakes and oceans. I have real super powers too! I can make water do whatever I want, which is really useful when you're going number two and the water splashes inside your butthole. Well now I can just tell that water to stay inside the bowl!

I also have a brother now. He's way older than me and real cool. He has his own sword and everything and even knows how to kill monsters with it. He said he would teach me how to do that too in case I need to protect myself out in the real world. Inside the camp we're safe because of magical walls, but if we want to go back home we need to be prepared for battle. This camp is called Camp Half Blood, because half of our blood comes from the Greek gods. My new brother Percy told me all about the gods and camp. We get a whole cabin to ourselves because our dad doesn't have any other children. It's really big because our dad is so important and powerful. I don't feel very powerful yet, but Percy says I will be when I get older and learn how to fight.

I really hope someone finds me in this bathroom soon or else I'll miss the campfire with all the singing. Don't tell Eric, Diary, but I actually like singing a lot. Eric says singing makes you a gaywad because you use your mouth to sing and homosexuals use their mouths to suck other homosexuals' wieners. I asked Kenny and he said that was true unless girls liked your singing and thought you were hot, like him. I don't think Kenny's that hot though because he can't even afford deodorant, so he smells. Being smelly isn't sexy. No wonder he can't keep a girlfriend.

Oh, someone just walked into the bathroom so I guess I've got to go now. I'll write to you again tomorrow, Diary.

Smooches, Butters


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,  
I'm back! Percy got me unlocked from the bathroom yesterday and I only missed half of the campfire.

Yesterday at camp fire Jimmy and Token were claimed, so that makes five of us so far. I think Eric is still mad that Token's dad is Zeus, king of the gods. But you know what I say? Well, I think Token should give him heck! The most powerful gods and their children should be given some dang respect!

Also I feel bad for Kenny because he's worried he won't be claimed by his parent. I think mostly he's just hoping his mom isn't Aphrodite so that he can "stick it in her daughters." Now I don't really know what that means, do you, Diary?

Right now it's just after breakfast and the cabins are getting ready for capture the flag. Me an' my big brother Percy are on a team with the Hades cabin, Hermes cabin, Apollo's cabin, and Athena's cabin, and Zeus's cabin. Other than the Aphrodite kids who aren't playing, everyone else is on the other team. I'm a lil' nervous but Percy knows how to fight so I'm just gonna stick by him. I'll come back later to tell you how it goes! Goodbye for now, Diary.

Love Butters

.

Hello again Diary!  
We got absolutely pussy-pounded in capture the flag. My face still hurts from Eric pushing me into the dirt. But I used my powers of water control to get back at him by washing the dirt off immediately! Ha! That'll teach him a lesson.

An' right after capture the flag do you know what happened? Kyle's mom Athena claimed him as her son. Who didn't see that coming though, what with Kyle being a nerd an' all.

And you wouldn't believe it, but Kenny was just claimed by his dad, Apollo, five minutes ago! I thought for sure his parent was going to be Aphrodite, since he's so dirty an' all.

Anyway, even though I've only been here two days now everyone seems to love me for some reason. The Aphrodite girls _really_ love me. Some of them told me they would give me a makeover later, and they could find me any girl I wanted. I don't know if I want a girl though. Girls just take up time and I'd rather live a nice an' quiet life, thank you very much.

Oh Hamburgers, everyone's started training! Percy told me I could pick out a sword today, I better go! Thanks for listening to me bitchin' about my day, Diary.

Your Friend, Butters


End file.
